India is no
longer a land that worships the mind. More than anything else it worships
the material. Even our temples have become grounds for quid pro quo where
blessing is not what people seek but just riches.
We are no longer
happy with homes. We want to live in monuments. We want farmhouses with
pools and dubious women swimming in them. We want to wear brands that we
will never be able to pronounce and read books that have so many shades of
grey that we may never be able to count.
We are the new
India. Where collectors of art have nothing to do with the appreciation of
it. Where people have become collectors of titles and friends without
appreciating the value of either. Where it is not important as to who you
are but how you live.
Where the Nano is
a symbol of poverty rather than some technological marvel. Where
politicians build statues of themselves with handbags that are kept open.
Where brother fires at brother only for a few more square yards of land.
We are a country
that even makes materialism shine through in weddings and birthdays. In the
good old days we were happy with a cake. Today’s brats need more: they need
five-star hotel parties with luscious Mummies attending who’d be better off
sharing Tutankhamen’s tomb.
I have a quaint
rule. I rarely attend weddings but do make it a point to attend funerals.
At least in the latter you know the name of the person who’s just passed
away. Today’s weddings are a despicable show of wealth.
We in India have
overtaken the world as far as weddings are concerned. From the Versailles
to Venice, there is an infection that has spread with the benign catering
of this elegantly named Munna Maharaj.
Our schools are
no better. There was a time you went to school on the dint of merit. Today
you go there on the dint of your father’s money: legitimate or otherwise.
So, in an India like this, it doesn’t pay to be poor unless of course you
are die-hard Communists but then again, Communists are hardly human.
Our parents would
worry if we made unnecessary phone calls when we were young. But today,
your parents want you to carry a smartphone only so that their peers can
appreciate them for their savoir fare. So, in this kind of India, you must
become rich and you must do that quicker than your neighbour or for that
matter some ghastly relative who has been the attention of your evil eye.
So, here is a
guide to becoming rich and doing so quickly at that. This is not as
exhaustive a list as it should be but will serve the purpose for 2013.
1 Join politics but not for the
people. Do it for the money so that youremain focused and don’t have to
worry (or feel guilty) about water, sanitation and electricity. If you, in
the process, can muster up an army of goons, that will only enhance both
your prestige as also your bank balance.
Most politicians
in this country are fine examples of rags-to-riches and tearing up other
people to leave them in rags. It would be best to avoid two parties
however. Avoid joining the Communists or for that matter the Trinamool.
Both these
parties are stupidly clean and tolerate zero corruption as far as money is
concerned. If you join the DMK or the AIADMK, you will see the quickest
return on investment. If you however join the Congress in Bengal you may
not even see Rahul Gandhi leave alone a loaf of bread. The other parties,
which allow you to live and let’s be rich, are the NCP, SP, BSP and about
73 other registered parties.
2 Become a Government servant
and ensure that you are never promoted where the CAG could scrutinise your
activities; so it would help to rise to the level of a joint secretary or
even a director in any Government department.
Try working for
any department that has to do with land, power, water, forests, finance,
excise, alcohol, law and order and so on. It is tough at the beginning but
then the longer you are in Government the swifter you lose your conscience
so it is all a matter of time.
3 Start a co-operative and see
how everyone else other than you loses both the plot and the monies. There
are, however, fine examples of those who have been very successful with
co-operatives.
One became the
nation’s President and the other is president of a national political
party. This is the most honorable racket you can get into other than
legalised gambling but since the latter is only in Delhi’s farmhouses it
will be a while before you can get there.
4 Marry someone rich. This is
the oldest trick in the book except it is getting refined now. There is no
stigma in the male being the house-help if he can dig into his wife’s
riches and equally into other men’s wives.
I am seeing this
remarkable trend of gender neutrality become all pervasive. Become a good
solid househusband but for that you will have to work hard. You will need
to work out and make sure you never utter an intelligent word which should
not be difficult if all you do is pump iron.
So, go forth into
the world and stalk the place for unhappy single ugly but rich women and
you might find that pot (literally so) of gold.
5 Become a media barren. If you
look around today, editors are richer than most industrialists and they
have greater power as also greater cerebral acceptance, which is a good
thing. Also, the other remarkable thing that is happening in today’s India
is that some media barons have become wily businessmen.
The media is only
their side-interest: their main interest could well be drug or gunrunning
but then who cares once you are rich. So, you may well try and become a
media baron by starting a magazine that no one will ever read or running a
channel that even Renuka Choudhry will not appear on. But it will surely
get you on some Rich List and that way you can begin the journey of conning
the banks and other sundry honest folks.
6 Become a sports
administrator. Look around you and you will observe the power and money
that some of these sports folks command. The rule, however, is you should
have never played any sport because it will be a meaningless distraction
and you should be good at calculating margins on mundane things like clocks
and astro-turf.
Once you have done this, your life will be
a merry go-around. Look at what some of our finest sports administrators
have achieved? They are wealthy; they are powerful; some of them are even
in the Cabinet and some have even taken the trouble of going to jail all
for the cause of better sports in India.
You must follow
these iconic role models and change the imprint of Indian sport. Try and
avoid cricket though. Never go to bed with an elephant for you never know
when the pleasure will end and the pain begin.
Finally, there
are other ways of getting rich too but they are neither quick nor are they
unmitigated fun. You could if you really want to be Gandhian, become a
teacher who doesn’t do private tuition.
You could also be an honest
professional in a fine company but then when you retire you will have to
move to some old-age home in Benares. You could also become a lawyer or for
that matter a judge but then why would you want to take the trouble of
yeoman public service?
Just imagine 2013
to become your meal ticket to a life of earning without working. There is
no better pleasure than that and you will always have the last laugh to the
bank that one day you might in any case rob.
Have a splendid
illegitimate and unworthy 2013.
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